Greetings and salutations from me, Reginald J. Titterbottom: gentleman, gadfly, and perpetual busybody. I am positively gleeful to return to the august pages of … what’s this called? … the …Fishwrapper … to convey to you the to-ings and fro-ings of Upper Canadians and their ilk.
Miss Marilyn Casswell arrived via Via Rail 14 hours behind schedule to meet her newly betrothed, the eminent codger Mr. Addison DeWitt of Cardinal, for a weekend of “how-do-you-do” and estate updating. I’m pleased to report Miss Casswell found Mr. DeWitt alert and alive, which is more than I can say for some Via passengers.
Goodness gracious – a little birdie told me that somebody didn’t leave money for eggs taken at a self-serve stand on County Road 8. For shame, egg pilferer! You know who you are! Is this slither into cozenage a harbinger of the social contract’s downfall? What next – shutting down the Strait of Hormuz?
Hold the phone – did a recent dustup at the monthly Wine and Whine Book Club in Spencerville really end with book club member Mrs. Esther Blodgett handcuffed and hauled away by OPP? Apparently Mrs. Blodgett took issue with the group’s selection of the 1939 novel The Grapes of Wrath because “it wasn’t about wine at all”, and for its general “wokeness”. According to trustworthy hearsay, Mrs. B sped off from the meeting in her 2026 Ford F-450 Platinum Plus, only to be intercepted by an OPP car on patrol. DUI? LOL! What’s next for Mrs. Esther Blodgett? Back On Track: Ontario's Remedial Measures Program for Impaired Drivers je pense.
Hot take – a list of tribute acts pitched to and rejected by the Brockville Arts Centre was leaked to the press by an anonymous source. Mr. Jonathan Hanna, BAC administrative coordinator and perennially saddled fine fellow, can neither confirm nor deny said list. For the sake of the public good, here is some of the tribute entertainment spurned:
The Elvis Elvis Show: A Tribute to Napanee Elvis Impersonator Berry Chumbley with Smith Falls Elvis Impersonator Impersonator Myles O. Glasscock
Favourite Gregorian Chants with the Sam’s Brass Rack Sunday Morning Choir of Brockville.
From Chachi to Chachkas: A One Man Show with Scott Baio impersonator and merchandise seller Todd Poal of Cornwall
Rodents Do Magic
Ten Theremins One Stage: Tribute to Clara Rockmore with the students from Sweet Corner’s Elementary School
Vanilla Ice: Not So Nice with Athens rapper/drywall installer L’il Boy Boos.
Legendary Stardust Cowboy: He’s So Bad He’s Good, No He’s Just Bad starring former MPP Randy Hillier
Dr. Pimple Popper Live: An Afternoon of Facial Extractions and Audience Participation with GLOW College Student Ineeda Bath of Waterton
Four Impersonators No Stage: An O-Town Retrospective with TBA performers and TBA producers
The Pig & Whistle Reunion Tour: With John Hewer impersonator Captain Birdseye Jr. and Billy Meek III
Finally, as we crawl along to October 2026 and the greatest show on earth – Ontario’s municipal elections, I would be remiss if I did not bid a fond fare thee well to Brockville Mayor and aging boy scout Matt Wren. Mr. Wren has announced that he will not seek a second term coronation. Understood, Mr. Wren. Thank you for dedicating four long years to public service so that Brockvillains can continue to bitch and moan about everything and anything. His Worship will be forever remembered for using the term of endearment “wackadoodles” for his less than sane constituents. Sure beats “you pathetic mother@#$%!rs”, n’est pas?
That’s a silk wrap from yours truly. Cheerio, Toodles, Auf Wiedersehen and remember – don’t sit under the apple tree with anyone else than Reginald J. Titterbottom!
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