A Special Christmas/Holiday Greeting from CBennettworld 2022

A cat in a Santa cap and coat

Please be advised that due to blizzard conditions, our in-house writer could not come in to the satellite office of Cbennettworld in Brockville, Ontario. The in-house writer could also not access their computer at home, due to a power outage and lack of battery power. Therefore, we are pleased to provide you with this Christmas/Holiday greeting courtesy of ChatCAT (not to be confused with the more powerful ChatGPT):

 

Merry Christmas and happy holidays from the corporation CBennettworld, a division of nothing, it is its own entity, unless someone wants to buy it. Any takers? Oh how the mighty have fallen. MEOW.

 

2022 presented us with many challenges. The so-called "freedom convoy" offended the sensibilities of the majority of sentient beings in Canada. The war in Ukraine offended the sensibilities of the majority of sentient beings worldwide. And the shrinkflation of Metro's Irresistibles Zoodles in a Box offended the sensibilities of our pudgy CEO.

What is CBennettworld's stance on the meaning of Christmas? Besides adhering to the law affording three statutory holidays to its employees, the corporation values:

1. Safety

2. Transparency

3. Innovation

4. IAMS Proactive Health Healthy Senior Dry Cat Food with Chicken

5. Growth

6. Sustainability/Innovation

7. Continuous Improvement

8. Innovation in Cleanliness

9. Hill's Science Diet Adult Urinary & Hairball Control Dry Cat Food, Chicken Recipe

10. Innovation

We are continuously improving on the Christmas story by buying naming rights to crèches of any size. As well, we recognize the universal nature of peace on earth, good will toward all, by gifting each employee a face mask sporting the CBennettworld logo. Finally, we have donated over two thousand copies of Carolyn Bennett's underrated novel Please Stand By to the Canadian Red Cross to be used as doorstops in hospital emergency rooms across the country, apropos of nothing.

Christmas is a time for family. To quote from Gus, the Theatre Cat in T.S. Elliot's Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats:

His coat's very shabby, he's thin as a rake,
And he suffers from palsy that makes his paw shake

If you have a Gus the Theatre Cat visiting you this holiday season, welcome them with open arms, or at least an open wallet. You never know when the tail will be reversed. At least have some Hill's Science Diet Adult Urinary & Hairball Control Dry Cat Food, Chicken Recipe on hand.

And so from the no-go crypto-hipto-conglomerate that is Cbennettworld, and from its thousands of imaginary employees, c-suite executives, and of course, from its fantastical CEO, have a cosy and happy Christmas, and don't forget to empty the litter box.

Signed,

ChatCAT

DATELINE: BROCKVILLE

TELEGRAM: Pining for Toronto — (STOP) — Pining for random guy mansplaining and eating tacos on the TTC — (STOP) — Pestering Brockville municipal election candidates on why there aren’t any Ethiopian restaurants in town — (STOP) — Inviting all Ontarians to the River City Reading Series, Saturday, September 24, 7pm in downtown Brockville at Medium Effort Art Supplies — (STOP)— Please stop — (STOP) — No, don’t stop — (STOP) — Never stop — (STOP)

Memoir Writing With Carolyn Bennett Writer/Comic

Have you ever wanted to tell your story? CB is holding online workshops to help you discover and give literary shape to your own experience. A hefty dose of humour is encouraged. Eight weeks, eight participants, eight ways to say I love me! Have fun in a safe and inclusive space and explore your creativity and personal narrative. Contact Back Lane Studios for more information on upcoming workshops. Sponsored by the Government of Canada’s New Horizons for Seniors Program.

A Holiday Message from the CEO of CBennettworld

From my congested heart ventricles to yours, all the best for the 2021 holiday season.

All the best what? you’re wondering. All the best mRNA vaccines, all the best N95 masks, all the best physical distancing from your fellow humans! This is truly the most wonderful and awful time of year. 

As I reflect on another year drawing to a close, I can’t help but marvel at how I share a name with the latest variant of Covid-19. You see, my middle name happens to be Omicron. Carolyn Ann Omicron Bennett, (my parents were fans of the 1963 Italian science fiction movie of the same name, directed by Ugo Gregoretti.) I feel delighted and repulsed by this, similar to my feelings when I lost my virginity. But I digress. 

Once again, all my imaginary employees, from the overworked teams tethered to fulfillment, to the farsighted business analysts slumped at their computers, wish you a happy holiday season, full of joy and purified airborne particles. 

In our imagination, you’ve asked CBennettworld what it is doing for the environment. As a global citizen, CBennettworld is serious about doing its part to create a cleaner, greener world. To that end, and in keeping with our Corporate Sustainability Goals (CSG), our workers shall receive no Christmas bonuses or company presents of any kind this year. 

More news! Our conglomerate is set for big change in 2022. Imaginary Head Office is moving from Toronto, Canada, to a bigger and better Imaginary Head Office, somewhere between Kingston, Canada, and Centaurus A, Outer Space. I look forward to our new letterhead. 

2021 began with an attempted insurrection at the U.S. Capitol building, and is ending with more public health restrictions due to a highly transmittable variant of the coronavirus. We’ve gone from point A to point A, but through it all we’ve stuck together, like passengers on the 501 streetcar. In these trying times, I quote Genesis 15:9 (New International Version): So the LORD said to him, “bring me a heifer, a goat, and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon”.  What God is saying is … pets are nice. Pat a dog, cat, heifer, goat or ram today, along with a dove and a young pigeon. But do not eat them. Not these ones. Even at Christmas. They’re pets. 

So when life gets you down, when Covid-19 (or 20, 21, or whatever it’s up to) upends your plans to have a nine course meal at the top of the CN Tower and forces you to stay home and suffer through old episodes of The Crown on Netflix, do what I do – watch a documentary on the siege of Leningrad. You’re guaranteed to kiss the ground of your 7000 square foot forever home afterward. 

In the meantime, be of good cheer and of generous spirit. Public health says at 50% capacity, but I’m challenging you to be 100% grateful! On behalf of my imaginary employees and C-suite team, I wish you a peaceful and happy Christmas, free from facing your own mortality. 

Signed,

Carolyn Ann Omicron Bennett

Imaginary CEO, CBennettworld